


Observations of an Innocent

by happilyinsane13



Series: The Adventures of Ivan the Terribly Adorable [2]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Found Family, Gen, POV Outsider, Team as Family, When You Give an Immortal a Pet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26223637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happilyinsane13/pseuds/happilyinsane13
Summary: Ivan the Terribly Adorable (Ivan for the short) the hamster, Nile's precious fur ball, gets taken on a mission and left in the car when they can't find a pet sitter.Or that time Ivan saw his immortal family kick butt while he got to munch.
Relationships: Andromache of Scythia & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova & Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: The Adventures of Ivan the Terribly Adorable [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904506
Comments: 14
Kudos: 197





	Observations of an Innocent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheRedScreech](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedScreech/gifts).



> Inspired by an idea by TheRedScreech. It may be short but I hope it's sweet. Thank you!  
> Borrowed Lizzo's song "Feelin' Good as Hell" for a brief scene. I'm imagining chaos orchestrated by the majestic Lizzo. It's glorious.

Ivan was burrowed in the bottom of his cage, his head poking out as he observed the going ons of the moving vehicle. His human, Nile, he was sure her title was, sat next to him, holding his home tightly in her hands to keep it steady in the seat. She was talking to him and even though he didn’t always understand what she was saying, he liked to think they were always nice things. She did feed him after all. 

“You’re going to be just fine, Ivan,” she said gently, smiling down at him. “We couldn’t leave you at the last house and so little Fernando couldn’t look after you. You’re going to stay snug and safe in the car okay? We’re just going to go earn a living…”

“Why are you talking to lunch meat like he understands you?” the human (Andy?) asked from the front seat. Ivan gave her a look. He knew he had two names but he much preferred Ivan. He wasn’t sure why. It probably had to do with how he instinctively felt Andy was an apex predator. 

Before Nile can answer, very tall, soft human (Nicky… although sometimes Ivan thinks he refers to himself as Nicolo as he sneaks him shredded carrots through his cage on sunny days) replies first, “Creatures big and small can understand us, Andy. If not our words than our hearts.”

Andy rolled her big human eyes but they didn’t look predatory to Ivan. There was a guffaw of a laugh in the front by the human with curly black hair on his head (Joe? Yusuf? Ivan was never sure). Ivan was very jealous of his curly hair because it looked like it kept his head warm. Ivan would look at his own fur and sigh to himself. 

Nile still looked unsettled and Ivan pressed his nose to the cage in response knowing she would touch his little pink nose. He knew she liked to do that. It would help.Nile leaned in and booped his nose. 

“Stop worrying, Nile!” Joe said, turning his brown eyes to her. “We got him wooden chews, we’ll lock the car, we’re parking 5 blocks away, he’ll be fine!”

With those words the vehicle had been parked and Ivan felt a cool draft enter the car when the front seat humans opened their doors. He shivered a bit and shuffled in his cage, tossing bedding over his head to make a cozy nest to keep out the chill. He hears Nicky coo at him and say goodbye before getting out but Ivan pokes his eyes up to look at Nile. 

“Don’t worry little man,” she says softly. “We’ll be back soon. I’ll put on some tunes for you.”

Nile whipped out a device (Ivan noticed every time they moved she would have a new one) and set it down next to his cage. She tapped it and music flowed out, poppy and catchy. This definitely wasn’t their bedtime playlist. She left then and Ivan heard a soft click-click in the car. 

Now Ivan did not have the greatest concept of time but he figured he was sitting in his cage for a while. He burrowed down and found one of his wooden chews Joe had pushed into his cage. He chewed it for a bit until he got bored and decided he actually wanted to eat. He dived again and scurried to his treasure trove of sunflower seeds and peanuts his Frenchman sitter sneaked under his plastic igloo and the shredded paper. 

“You’d think that was whiskey the way you scarf it down,” the man had said, holding a glass full of amber liquid. He never brought it to his lips when Ivan was with him. It was fine with Ivan, it meant that he would sneak Ivan more seeds and maybe even put him in his plastic ball to go for a spin around the light filled apartment. 

Ivan’s thoughts flashed very quickly in his head, over and over again as he sat in the car, bobbing his head up and down to finish off peanut after peanut. It looked like he was bobbing in time to the music and maybe he was, Ivan certainly didn’t mind it. So he sat and continued to chew and, honestly, he didn’t hear the first body hit the hood of the car. 

_ I do my hair toss _

_ Check my nails _

_ Baby how you feelin'? _

_ Feeling good as hell _

The body hit the hood and then rolled off the car in a heap. Soon a vicious grunt followed as Andy flipped another man, all in black, over the hood, dislocating his shoulder in the process. 

_ Woo child, tired of the bullshit _

_ Go on dust your shoulders off, keep it moving _

_ Yes Lord, tryna get some new shit… _

A mighty yell made Ivan turn his head to the window and he saw a very ugly, red face smashed up against the glass (the human clearly did not know how to optimize chubby cheeks to get soft pets). He was being held in place by Joe, eyes alight with the fire of a warrior and predator that Ivan knew him to be (like how Joe looked at him at dinnertime). Soon there was a flash and Ivan saw the ugly man’s head roll off his shoulder then drop into nowhere. Curious. Ivan decided to grab a corn kernel. 

. _ Come now, come dry your eyes _

_ You know you a star, you can touch the sky _

_ I know that it's hard but you have to try _

_ If you need advice, let me simplify _

A shot rang out and another body hit the car roof and slid off. A bloody hole right in the middle of his head, perfect and the work of an expert sniper. 

_ If he don't love you anymore _

_ Just walk your fine ass out the door _

Another noise, two simultaneous, gruesome cracks happened to the left of the car. Nile and Andy tag teamed a man, forcing his arms back and out, breaking his shoulders. The man, in a last act of resistance, turned his head to the side and bit Andy hard in the shoulder. It was his last regret as Nile pulled out a hand knife and viciously shoved it in the man’s neck just as a cruel shot rang out and pierced his stomach. An agonizing death for him. 

“Fuck!” Andy said rubbing her shoulder. Nile was already taking a look at it while Joe hurtled himself over the hood of the car. “You okay, boss?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” she said, shaking Nile off her. “Barely broke skin. Will just leave a nasty bruise.”

Andy pulled the passenger door open, motioning for Joe to take the driver’s side. Nile quickly got in the back seat as Nicky ran up to them, throwing himself in the other side for their getaway. 

_ Woo girl, need to kick off your shoes _

_ Got to take a deep breath, time to focus on you _

_ All the big fights, long nights that you been through _

_ I got a bottle of Tequila I been saving for you _

“Ah, yes,” Andy sighed, sinking into the cheap leather seats of the car as Joe sped away. “Whoever this is, preach.”

“It’s Lizzo, Andy,” Nile said, opening the top of Ivan’s cage to scoop him up into her waiting hands. 

“This Lizzo should be a queen. Such wisdom,” Andy murmured, her eyes closing in exhaustion. 

“Now really, Nile, you’ll get blood all over Ivan’s beautiful coat,” Nicky chided gently, reaching forward to rummage for tissues in the glove compartment. 

“My heart! Seat belt!”

“Si, si mio caro.”

Ivan turned his head as Nicky sat back and began to wipe his fur, Joe throwing back comments, while Andy slept, and Nile halfheartedly tossed barbs back at Joe. Yes, Ivan thought, he was very amused.


End file.
